I am spending my child support on dildos
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
