Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
