she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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