Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
