WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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