i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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