Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
