do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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