I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
