Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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