Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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