my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
