At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
