for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
