We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
