My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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