Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
