We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
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She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
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I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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