You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
