She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
