My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
