Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
