I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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