Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Randomize
