A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
