you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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