this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
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Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
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I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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