I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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