So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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