We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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