she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
