Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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