yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
