Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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