bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
