It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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