I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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