u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
