I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The best revenge is premature balding
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
