I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
did i just pee glitter
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
