I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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