just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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