I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
