he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.