And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.