Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
