Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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