I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
