there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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