I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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