Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
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Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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