Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
