lets start a swedish sibling band together
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
