I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
