I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
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We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
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I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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