So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
