my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
