hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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