My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
