alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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